To time out or not to timeout and how

Time outs are defiantly something I suggest. They are the perfect way to discipline without having to raise your voice or spank. Just a simple “ok timeout, no ________.” Such as when my son starting hitting other children when he was finally old enough I would say “Ok timeout no hit.” Not yelling just commanding. Now according to the leading authority on disipine, Boystown parenting guidelines states, timeouts are to be giving when a child misbehaves. Time outs are 1 minute per age and state simple one sentence explanation of why behavior was inappropriate, previous to setting the child down for timeout. After timeout immediate loving response to child is appropriate. ( this is not word for word quote just summarized)

So basically what I do is I set my son down in his highchair because that way he can’t get out, I lock him in with the straps, I move it into away from the table as to not associate food with bad. I stay in the same room so he isn’t scared but I stay out of view so he doesn’t have the opportunity to punish me or get attention for bad behavior. Then I make sure to set a timer. I do 30 seconds for every 6 months. When your busy you’re 2 year old could sit there for 5 mins before you notice and let them out, or if they are screaming you may think 30 seconds is the two mins you intended.  For older children I suggest the stair case once they have out grown their highchair, I truly recommend using the highchair as long as possible because if they are not mature enough to sit in timeout and you have to hold them there then they are in fact getting the attention so many of them crave and then basically you have just rewarded their bad behavior. If they can sit on their own then the stair case is a perfect place. I suggest the middle, the top or bottom they can easily scoot away a couple of feet to find something to play with, however there is nothing fun going on in the middle of the stairs.

Speaking of ages, when is it a good time to start timeouts? 18 months as a rule is generally best. Any younger and they aren’t really understanding cause and effect.  Since it will take quite a few timeouts to really start correcting behavior, starting at age two, you will just be that much longer to start getting your child to behave, so you may want to start at 18 months and get the ball rolling.

How long can you do timeouts? Well when my daughter has attitude, 1^st thing I do is take her phone from her for a ½ hour (which is about the perfect punishment for a 14 year old) but second offence is usually a staircase timeout, or if she really made me upset. Parents let me tell you yelling at your children really isn’t effective. Blowing up may temporally scare them but as they gain more and more independence all you’re teaching them is how to react when upset and unless you want them yelling at you back and they will one day, you just need to send them on timeout for their inappropriate behavior, and essentially giving yourself one as well, allowing you to cool off from their smart mouth.

After the timeout is over it is time to show them that you still love them. These are times to say “I love you, Lizzy, I don’t love that you spoke that way to me. But now that you’re time out is over, all is forgivin.” If your child is over the age of  six I would ask for a simple “I’m sorry” and then offer a hug and tell them “I forgive you”, now do you want a snack or to go watch a video?”. If under the age of three I would just hug my crying child as I pick them from timeout and say “all done, I love you” and start them playing again. This is not the time for a leave it to beaver lecture. They had done the crime and they have paid the time. It is now time to move on. Any lecture will be lost because if you have just gotten out of jail and you might have a little bit of resentment left over and you are not going to listen to anything the judge has to say to you.

 It is time to get your child into an activity to get rid of the mopes, if you’re child was fighting over a toy or took a cookie do not put them back into temptation, some children out of spite will do it again just to get back at you. So I would show them a more appropriate use of their time after the timeout is over.

One of the hardest places to timeout is out of the home. I use the kitchen table at my mother’s house, because there are no toys and when no one is eating it is pretty boring. The worst place for your children to act out is a restaurant. You can’t yell at them or really punish them and they know it. This is a child’s play ground, they know by the age of three you don’t want to make a scene in public. So this is where some children will really act out. Now here in Nebraska we have pretty harsh winters. Because of that most public places have two door entrances. A first set of doors you go thru and then a second. I place my child in-between the two sets of doors. I stay inside the restaurant, or outside, with my husband on the inside for younger kids. This is great because they figure you can’t hear them eliminating the attention they were hoping for. And best of all I can see him, but inside the restaurant you really can’t hear him, he can cry as loud as he wants and no one in the restaurant is disturbed. Thus teaching my child that it doesn’t matter where we are, you cannot climb under the table or throw things or whatever your child is trying on you. In warmer weather where their isn’t 2 sets of doors have your child sit outside in front of the restaurant, stand beside him not really looking at him, ignoring him if you will, I just keep him in the corner of my eye. The trick is to be consistent where ever you are. If you teach them there is different reactions to behavior when away from home, you are teaching them there is different rules away from home as well. As in I can do what I want when we are out.

The most important thing I can tell you is to stay calm, when giving timeouts. Sometimes this can be hard. One trick I always do in hard situations is I pretend this is happening to someone else and I am watching it. Like on a sitcom. It often becomes so funny that I have to do my best not to laugh in front of my child. Because it isn’t good teaching them bad behavior is funny. But sometimes you just have to step back from the situation and not get so involved, like new step parents engaging in a yes no yes no conversation with a seven year old. One of you is the parent, and as the parent you need to realize that your child may say horrible things to you but it really isn’t about you. It’s about asserting their independence and has very little really to do with you. Try not to take mean phases and words from your toddlers to teenagers personally. It’s hard when you’re 13 year old tells you “you are the worst mother in the world, I hate you, and you are ruining my life.” Those words are just to gain something. If to hurt you then to beat you in a senesce giving them a temporary feeling of power (independence) or because you just told them they couldn’t attend a party. In littler kids they sometimes are just trying to be mean. You have to be a rock and not let them know they are getting to you or they will continue this behavior regularly.

It is hard to be a rock but it works, so keep working at it. And soon you will see timeouts working to correct behaviors in your home as well. Good luck.